The Disappearing Act

Well, looks like I did it.  I disappeared for several months!  But I'm back! Ive been M.I.A. for so long, and I have quite a bit to say, which I must remember to write separate posts for.

But firstly, for the few of you who have visited and are now returning, you may notice that the "donation" link is missing from this blog.  I have given up on the "begging" route for obtaining a Hurom juicer, and in fact, have given up on juicing altogether, for now.  Perhaps I will try just using my old blender until it smokes and breaks down.  However, my financial reality (POVERTY) is such that I will have to forgo the 90-day juice kickstart, much to my immense disappointment.  I do however, have some tricks up my sleeve, and perhaps I can still get my hands on a Hurom juicer, but for now, its going to have to be the old-fashioned slow plodding route of learning how to eat healthy and get regular exercise.  My initial interest in the 90-day juice kickstart was primarily change my psychology, and my taste buds.  If I had all of the various foods I rely on (and that make me sick) out of the house and had only juices (and perhaps pulp crackers) to choose from, it would be hard at first, but would have been very good for changing my very bad eating habits.  Habits which are deeply ingrained from childhood.  I will tell you all about these horrid eating habits in an upcoming post.

But to the title of this post:  I have gone missing!  Ah yes.  The disappearing act of the shameful eater.  Its the same as the overeater who starts to "forget" to keep that food journal nutritionists and psychotherapists urge us to keep - because to have all those lapses written down - the box of macaroni and cheese, the box of cookies, the bag of potato chips - to write it down and have a permanent record of it is bad enough, but to then have to share that with someone else, and have the repeated failure right there - for all to see, is hard.  Its not just an ugly food record.  It is a hard reminder, one of failure, one of the inability to control.  It is a badge of shame.  And its why so many of us who are told to keep a food journal just aren't able to do it.  Its easy if we are on track, but the moment we fall off our plans, the blemishes in the journal are just always sitting in there, reminding us.  And its the same with an online journal!  This blog is essentially the journal I would keep for a psychotherapist, and I am opening it up for the world to see.  As I have mentioned in earlier posts, it is because I want to be helpful and offer some consolation to others who are struggling like me, that you are not alone.  It can be so cathartic to know that others are struggling too.  I do believe that the problems of overeating and getting to health are  essentially the same for most of us.  And we all struggle. But the struggle is not "not knowing" how to eat right.  Most of us DO know how we should be eating.

But there I go, off on a tangent.  The allusion I made to journaling with pen and paper, and neglecting to continue when you don't have achievements and progress to write about,  is the same issue that causes the blogger baring their dysfunctional soul to the world for scrutiny.  Its that much worse, because it is there for all of you - the compassionate  as well as the cruel-hearted, to read and dissect.

Needless to say, the past several months have not been the best.  I reverted to old eating habits.  I had no progress to write about.  I did not want to write post after post of the behaviors that make me obese.  Yet,   it is this desire to wallow in denial that perpetuates the problem. If I compel myself to write on this journal, even when I don't want to, I help myself to THINK about what I am doing, and I help others to have an insight on the behavior that got me here in the first place.  So even when my behavior is poor, and deserving of derision by the cold-hearted, it is important too, if I can just help a few people out there to know that you're not alone, and that this is something that we can overcome.  I believe that thoroughly.  It is after all, just excess weight.  It is NOT an insurmountable problem, even though we may at times feel it is hopeless! It is NOT hopeless.

So I renew my commitment to write.  Perhaps not daily, but at least weekly.  But I will try for daily... if not for any other reason, to write down what I ate today.  Good bad and ugly.  I want to open up the world of one overeater for the world to see.  I am a part of the American Obesity Epidemic, and I have many thoughts on this epidemic.

So let us (well, more particularly, me) go forward bravely!