I am depressed today. Feeling beat, defeated, hopeless. What is causing this? The usual... Trying to find work, staring down the barrel of a fiscal gun. Wondering how long I will get to stay in my reasonable-rent apartment, wondering what I will lose, wondering how soul crushing it will be to have to have an estate sale while still alive, wondering how I will cope with the horrible loss of my pets because I cant take them with me to a subsidized apartment, and feeling so much guilt and shame over the worry I am causing my parents. Its days like these, I feel like disappearing, or wish I could. I have those days frequently.
So what will I do to deal with this? I got dressed. Thats the first thing to do. Never sleep in. Get up, get dressed, put on your shoes. Next I will drink a cup of black coffee. This is what I did almost every morning before heading off to work. It triggers a kind of flashback for me, of having things to do, places to go, people to meet. Of having a schedule, meetings, deadlines.
Then I will do the dishes, that have been piling up. Then I will hand-wash a linen shirt. I have quite a bit of backed up clothing that requires hand-washing...
Then I will clean out the fridge (of rotting veggies I didn't eat because I continue to have the palate of a 5 year old).
Then I will eat something for lunch - probably just an orange...
Then I will do a load of laundry.
Then I will go to the gym, for at least 45 minutes on the treadmill. Sometimes it makes me feel better, sometimes I leave feeling frustrated. Because I sabotage anything accomplished with my feeding frenzies.
Then I will go to the grocery store for kitty litter for the cats, and something healthy to eat for dinner. I am stumped on what that might be.... perhaps some mushrooms and peppers, with skinless chicken, for a stirfry dish. If anyone can offer some good tips for 1-person quick and healthy stirfry meals, Im all ears!
Especially any of you thin lanky people - what do YOU eat most nights? Looking to change the nightly habit of choosing between a few choices - box of mac and cheese, frozen pizza, or a big bowl of pasta with sauce, grated cheese, and a couple slices of bread.
Then I will come home, do another load of laundry, and work on a resume for a job I saw that I will probably never hear back for. Not because Im pessimistic, but because I am a realist, and this has been the trend for some time now.
Then I will cook and eat supper
and then before bed, I will come back here and tell you how much of the above I got accomplished, and how I feel about it!
Monday, February 20, 2012
Wake-Up Call
What finally brought me around to get back on the blog and my obesity problem? Well, I am involved in a resume and interview workshop. I have been out of work for over 4 years now. I was once solidly amongst the middle-class, with a professional position.
Ironically, my now devastated career was a physically demanding job, requiring construction site visits, and hours of hiking through woods and fields, up and down rocky hills, and through swamps. I continued to gain weight throughout the last 15 or so years of my career, in spite of the rigorous field work. I was horrified when several years ago, I was on a field trip to study vernal pools with many of my colleagues. I could not keep up with the group, and found myself huffing and puffing on the trails and falling far behind. I was mortified when one of the group leaders hung back to bring up the rear - MY rear, and asking me if I wanted to rest a moment. It was a horrible experience for me. I was once very active, I enjoyed bird watching and flatwater kayaking. I enjoyed exploring the woods. I can no longer fit in a kayak, and I can no longer make my way down a steep wooded slope without fear of injury. I know that just based on age alone, there are things I used to be able to do such as jumping over logs in the woods - that I may no longer be able to do, but I would at least like to be able to step or climb over them! I may not be able to ever go back to the rigorous field work my career demanded, but I hope to enter back into my career in a less physically rigorous role some day.
But here is the real wake-up call. In the resume workshop, we are practicing interviewing. I have access to Human Resources professionals in these workshops. I have asked them to critique my dressing, and I failed miserably. I was told I must wear a jacket to an interview. It is very difficult to find a decent fitting jacket when one is 5'2" and 240 lbs., with most weight in the belly. Tucking in shirts is not an option for me unless I want to disgust people entirely.
I had to struggle to find a single jacket that barely fits. I cannot button it, and I must wear it over a button-up blouse that is not tucked in.
I desperately need to return to work. I am in jeopardy of losing what little I have left. I am caught in a bad economy, with bad health, obesity, a long career gap, and a less than stellar work history. I fear not being able to support myself, of losing every last bit of the middle-class life I once had. I fear destitution.
It is that fear that compels me now to return to combating this obesity problem. Even if I were to become healthy with an optimal weight, there is no guarantee I will be able to find gainful employment again, anytime soon. I worry... But I can't let the litany of troubles - the career gap, the side-lined career, the various discriminations against the overweight, anyone over 40, and the unemployed - stop me from trying. But I am aware of them. They terrify me. I can't turn the clock back and change my age, or the career gap, or the troubles in my previous work life. But I do have control over my weight. I can work on that.
Perhaps if I can look half decent in business attire, I may be able to find a job that pays a living wage. I have to admit though, given the state of the economy and all the horror stories I know of - people who don't have health issues, and who have excellent work histories unable to find work -well - what chance have I got? - I have an against-all-odds, desperate hope that there is a job out there for me.... because the alternatives are horrifying.
And I spend a great deal of time lately reminiscing about the past - when my future was so bright, I had to wear shades. Now it seems so dark, I could use a powerful flashlight.
Ironically, my now devastated career was a physically demanding job, requiring construction site visits, and hours of hiking through woods and fields, up and down rocky hills, and through swamps. I continued to gain weight throughout the last 15 or so years of my career, in spite of the rigorous field work. I was horrified when several years ago, I was on a field trip to study vernal pools with many of my colleagues. I could not keep up with the group, and found myself huffing and puffing on the trails and falling far behind. I was mortified when one of the group leaders hung back to bring up the rear - MY rear, and asking me if I wanted to rest a moment. It was a horrible experience for me. I was once very active, I enjoyed bird watching and flatwater kayaking. I enjoyed exploring the woods. I can no longer fit in a kayak, and I can no longer make my way down a steep wooded slope without fear of injury. I know that just based on age alone, there are things I used to be able to do such as jumping over logs in the woods - that I may no longer be able to do, but I would at least like to be able to step or climb over them! I may not be able to ever go back to the rigorous field work my career demanded, but I hope to enter back into my career in a less physically rigorous role some day.
But here is the real wake-up call. In the resume workshop, we are practicing interviewing. I have access to Human Resources professionals in these workshops. I have asked them to critique my dressing, and I failed miserably. I was told I must wear a jacket to an interview. It is very difficult to find a decent fitting jacket when one is 5'2" and 240 lbs., with most weight in the belly. Tucking in shirts is not an option for me unless I want to disgust people entirely.
I had to struggle to find a single jacket that barely fits. I cannot button it, and I must wear it over a button-up blouse that is not tucked in.
I desperately need to return to work. I am in jeopardy of losing what little I have left. I am caught in a bad economy, with bad health, obesity, a long career gap, and a less than stellar work history. I fear not being able to support myself, of losing every last bit of the middle-class life I once had. I fear destitution.
It is that fear that compels me now to return to combating this obesity problem. Even if I were to become healthy with an optimal weight, there is no guarantee I will be able to find gainful employment again, anytime soon. I worry... But I can't let the litany of troubles - the career gap, the side-lined career, the various discriminations against the overweight, anyone over 40, and the unemployed - stop me from trying. But I am aware of them. They terrify me. I can't turn the clock back and change my age, or the career gap, or the troubles in my previous work life. But I do have control over my weight. I can work on that.
Perhaps if I can look half decent in business attire, I may be able to find a job that pays a living wage. I have to admit though, given the state of the economy and all the horror stories I know of - people who don't have health issues, and who have excellent work histories unable to find work -well - what chance have I got? - I have an against-all-odds, desperate hope that there is a job out there for me.... because the alternatives are horrifying.
And I spend a great deal of time lately reminiscing about the past - when my future was so bright, I had to wear shades. Now it seems so dark, I could use a powerful flashlight.
What I Was Eating
Well, I did the disappearing act over the winter. Shame! Heres the confessions of my eating habits.
As of the time of this writing, I have not yet eaten breakfast. I live alone, and I have had trouble establishing normal eating times. I eat when I get hungry, which wouldn't be so bad, if I also didn't eat when I feel stressed, bored, anxiety-stricken, angry, frustrated. Pretty much any negative emotion sends me searching for something preferably carb laden with cheese. The foods I eat serve primarily as sedatives, comforts. Even when I am hungry, I still reach for these foods, because I "like" (or am simply accustomed to) how they taste.
What I ate yesterday: 1 and 1/2 box of Chicken flavored Rice A Roni, 1 box of Velveeta Macaroni and Cheese, a couple of slices of American cheese, and one Chobani blueberry Greek Yogurt. Total Calories: Rice a Roni per box, 300 x 3 servings, for a total of 900 calories per box. Not to mention anything of sodium content and fat content (butter). Velveeta Mac and Cheese, 360 calories x 3 servings per box. American cheese per slice, appx. 50 cals per 1/2 oz slice, 3 slices = 150 calories, Chobani yogurt, 140 cals.
So, total calories for yesterday are: appx. 2720.
I should be eating appx. 1,200 calories.
Seems that on average, I will eat around 3,000 calories per day.
And this is why I am 5'2" and 240 lbs!
I am on a fixed budget for food - $200.00.
I often read comments on how can people living in poverty be fat here in the USA? It is because of cheap processed foods, full of simple carbohydrates! Poor people live on this stuff. Ramen noodles, boxed macaroni and cheese, rice a roni, white bread, cheap frozen pizza. These are Type II causing diabetes foods, because of the simple carbs that slam your pancreas, and they cause hypertension because of the sodium, and heart disease because of the saturated fats. They also cause fatigue and exacerbate depression because they are bereft of nutrition and critical vitamins. A diet of fresh lean meats, veggies and fruits can be challenging for the very poor not just for financial reasons, but also because of time limits. So many families today are working long hours and have precious little time at home. Cooking fresh foods IS more time consuming than whipping up a box of macaroni and cheese, and much easier to ruin the food by improper cooking, thus wasting valuable food/money.
So here are the challenges I face: To learn how to eat a healthy diet rich in fresh fruits and veggies, whole-grains breads and pastas, and lean meats, on $200.00 a month, to learn how to cook these meals for one person, to change my palate to enjoy the taste of vegetables, and quit the addiction of simple carbs (white bread and pasta).
I will eat much garbage going forward. I have no illusions that because I have returned to blogging, that all will be rosy. Heck - as I type this, I am thinking about that last box of Velveeta Macaroni and Cheese in my cupboards! Kraft... I figure a good 60 pounds of my weight is compliments of Kraft foods. Corporate food is life-sapping garbage! I will post my eating habits here, the good, the bad, the ugly.
Yesterday, was ugly. Very ugly.
As of the time of this writing, I have not yet eaten breakfast. I live alone, and I have had trouble establishing normal eating times. I eat when I get hungry, which wouldn't be so bad, if I also didn't eat when I feel stressed, bored, anxiety-stricken, angry, frustrated. Pretty much any negative emotion sends me searching for something preferably carb laden with cheese. The foods I eat serve primarily as sedatives, comforts. Even when I am hungry, I still reach for these foods, because I "like" (or am simply accustomed to) how they taste.
What I ate yesterday: 1 and 1/2 box of Chicken flavored Rice A Roni, 1 box of Velveeta Macaroni and Cheese, a couple of slices of American cheese, and one Chobani blueberry Greek Yogurt. Total Calories: Rice a Roni per box, 300 x 3 servings, for a total of 900 calories per box. Not to mention anything of sodium content and fat content (butter). Velveeta Mac and Cheese, 360 calories x 3 servings per box. American cheese per slice, appx. 50 cals per 1/2 oz slice, 3 slices = 150 calories, Chobani yogurt, 140 cals.
So, total calories for yesterday are: appx. 2720.
I should be eating appx. 1,200 calories.
Seems that on average, I will eat around 3,000 calories per day.
And this is why I am 5'2" and 240 lbs!
I am on a fixed budget for food - $200.00.
I often read comments on how can people living in poverty be fat here in the USA? It is because of cheap processed foods, full of simple carbohydrates! Poor people live on this stuff. Ramen noodles, boxed macaroni and cheese, rice a roni, white bread, cheap frozen pizza. These are Type II causing diabetes foods, because of the simple carbs that slam your pancreas, and they cause hypertension because of the sodium, and heart disease because of the saturated fats. They also cause fatigue and exacerbate depression because they are bereft of nutrition and critical vitamins. A diet of fresh lean meats, veggies and fruits can be challenging for the very poor not just for financial reasons, but also because of time limits. So many families today are working long hours and have precious little time at home. Cooking fresh foods IS more time consuming than whipping up a box of macaroni and cheese, and much easier to ruin the food by improper cooking, thus wasting valuable food/money.
So here are the challenges I face: To learn how to eat a healthy diet rich in fresh fruits and veggies, whole-grains breads and pastas, and lean meats, on $200.00 a month, to learn how to cook these meals for one person, to change my palate to enjoy the taste of vegetables, and quit the addiction of simple carbs (white bread and pasta).
I will eat much garbage going forward. I have no illusions that because I have returned to blogging, that all will be rosy. Heck - as I type this, I am thinking about that last box of Velveeta Macaroni and Cheese in my cupboards! Kraft... I figure a good 60 pounds of my weight is compliments of Kraft foods. Corporate food is life-sapping garbage! I will post my eating habits here, the good, the bad, the ugly.
Yesterday, was ugly. Very ugly.
The Disappearing Act
Well, looks like I did it. I disappeared for several months! But I'm back! Ive been M.I.A. for so long, and I have quite a bit to say, which I must remember to write separate posts for.
But firstly, for the few of you who have visited and are now returning, you may notice that the "donation" link is missing from this blog. I have given up on the "begging" route for obtaining a Hurom juicer, and in fact, have given up on juicing altogether, for now. Perhaps I will try just using my old blender until it smokes and breaks down. However, my financial reality (POVERTY) is such that I will have to forgo the 90-day juice kickstart, much to my immense disappointment. I do however, have some tricks up my sleeve, and perhaps I can still get my hands on a Hurom juicer, but for now, its going to have to be the old-fashioned slow plodding route of learning how to eat healthy and get regular exercise. My initial interest in the 90-day juice kickstart was primarily change my psychology, and my taste buds. If I had all of the various foods I rely on (and that make me sick) out of the house and had only juices (and perhaps pulp crackers) to choose from, it would be hard at first, but would have been very good for changing my very bad eating habits. Habits which are deeply ingrained from childhood. I will tell you all about these horrid eating habits in an upcoming post.
But to the title of this post: I have gone missing! Ah yes. The disappearing act of the shameful eater. Its the same as the overeater who starts to "forget" to keep that food journal nutritionists and psychotherapists urge us to keep - because to have all those lapses written down - the box of macaroni and cheese, the box of cookies, the bag of potato chips - to write it down and have a permanent record of it is bad enough, but to then have to share that with someone else, and have the repeated failure right there - for all to see, is hard. Its not just an ugly food record. It is a hard reminder, one of failure, one of the inability to control. It is a badge of shame. And its why so many of us who are told to keep a food journal just aren't able to do it. Its easy if we are on track, but the moment we fall off our plans, the blemishes in the journal are just always sitting in there, reminding us. And its the same with an online journal! This blog is essentially the journal I would keep for a psychotherapist, and I am opening it up for the world to see. As I have mentioned in earlier posts, it is because I want to be helpful and offer some consolation to others who are struggling like me, that you are not alone. It can be so cathartic to know that others are struggling too. I do believe that the problems of overeating and getting to health are essentially the same for most of us. And we all struggle. But the struggle is not "not knowing" how to eat right. Most of us DO know how we should be eating.
But there I go, off on a tangent. The allusion I made to journaling with pen and paper, and neglecting to continue when you don't have achievements and progress to write about, is the same issue that causes the blogger baring their dysfunctional soul to the world for scrutiny. Its that much worse, because it is there for all of you - the compassionate as well as the cruel-hearted, to read and dissect.
Needless to say, the past several months have not been the best. I reverted to old eating habits. I had no progress to write about. I did not want to write post after post of the behaviors that make me obese. Yet, it is this desire to wallow in denial that perpetuates the problem. If I compel myself to write on this journal, even when I don't want to, I help myself to THINK about what I am doing, and I help others to have an insight on the behavior that got me here in the first place. So even when my behavior is poor, and deserving of derision by the cold-hearted, it is important too, if I can just help a few people out there to know that you're not alone, and that this is something that we can overcome. I believe that thoroughly. It is after all, just excess weight. It is NOT an insurmountable problem, even though we may at times feel it is hopeless! It is NOT hopeless.
So I renew my commitment to write. Perhaps not daily, but at least weekly. But I will try for daily... if not for any other reason, to write down what I ate today. Good bad and ugly. I want to open up the world of one overeater for the world to see. I am a part of the American Obesity Epidemic, and I have many thoughts on this epidemic.
So let us (well, more particularly, me) go forward bravely!
But firstly, for the few of you who have visited and are now returning, you may notice that the "donation" link is missing from this blog. I have given up on the "begging" route for obtaining a Hurom juicer, and in fact, have given up on juicing altogether, for now. Perhaps I will try just using my old blender until it smokes and breaks down. However, my financial reality (POVERTY) is such that I will have to forgo the 90-day juice kickstart, much to my immense disappointment. I do however, have some tricks up my sleeve, and perhaps I can still get my hands on a Hurom juicer, but for now, its going to have to be the old-fashioned slow plodding route of learning how to eat healthy and get regular exercise. My initial interest in the 90-day juice kickstart was primarily change my psychology, and my taste buds. If I had all of the various foods I rely on (and that make me sick) out of the house and had only juices (and perhaps pulp crackers) to choose from, it would be hard at first, but would have been very good for changing my very bad eating habits. Habits which are deeply ingrained from childhood. I will tell you all about these horrid eating habits in an upcoming post.
But to the title of this post: I have gone missing! Ah yes. The disappearing act of the shameful eater. Its the same as the overeater who starts to "forget" to keep that food journal nutritionists and psychotherapists urge us to keep - because to have all those lapses written down - the box of macaroni and cheese, the box of cookies, the bag of potato chips - to write it down and have a permanent record of it is bad enough, but to then have to share that with someone else, and have the repeated failure right there - for all to see, is hard. Its not just an ugly food record. It is a hard reminder, one of failure, one of the inability to control. It is a badge of shame. And its why so many of us who are told to keep a food journal just aren't able to do it. Its easy if we are on track, but the moment we fall off our plans, the blemishes in the journal are just always sitting in there, reminding us. And its the same with an online journal! This blog is essentially the journal I would keep for a psychotherapist, and I am opening it up for the world to see. As I have mentioned in earlier posts, it is because I want to be helpful and offer some consolation to others who are struggling like me, that you are not alone. It can be so cathartic to know that others are struggling too. I do believe that the problems of overeating and getting to health are essentially the same for most of us. And we all struggle. But the struggle is not "not knowing" how to eat right. Most of us DO know how we should be eating.
But there I go, off on a tangent. The allusion I made to journaling with pen and paper, and neglecting to continue when you don't have achievements and progress to write about, is the same issue that causes the blogger baring their dysfunctional soul to the world for scrutiny. Its that much worse, because it is there for all of you - the compassionate as well as the cruel-hearted, to read and dissect.
Needless to say, the past several months have not been the best. I reverted to old eating habits. I had no progress to write about. I did not want to write post after post of the behaviors that make me obese. Yet, it is this desire to wallow in denial that perpetuates the problem. If I compel myself to write on this journal, even when I don't want to, I help myself to THINK about what I am doing, and I help others to have an insight on the behavior that got me here in the first place. So even when my behavior is poor, and deserving of derision by the cold-hearted, it is important too, if I can just help a few people out there to know that you're not alone, and that this is something that we can overcome. I believe that thoroughly. It is after all, just excess weight. It is NOT an insurmountable problem, even though we may at times feel it is hopeless! It is NOT hopeless.
So I renew my commitment to write. Perhaps not daily, but at least weekly. But I will try for daily... if not for any other reason, to write down what I ate today. Good bad and ugly. I want to open up the world of one overeater for the world to see. I am a part of the American Obesity Epidemic, and I have many thoughts on this epidemic.
So let us (well, more particularly, me) go forward bravely!
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