I have decided to do some volunteer work. With a four year gap, and a lack of professional references of a supervisory sort, I figured I should do something to try to help that situation. So I am now going to volunteer in an administrative capacity at a nearby hospital. I just received a photo ID badge that must be worn at all times while at the hospital. The photo... OH the photo. When not faced with hard evidence in the form of a photographic image, I think I look better than I actually do! Whenever I see a photo - I am shocked. Who IS that big, sloppy, tired looking woman? Its ME! Wow. I see heavy women who still manage to look good. I envy them.
I think most people suffer from picture shock. But I think when weight is really kicking the carp out of you health-wise, it really shows, and the picture shock is worse. I look tired. I look swollen.
And yesterday, I stumbled upon a pic of me on my sister's facebook page. There I am, sitting in a lawn chair at a pool party, in the background. Sitting around... ALL around. With long jeans and a yellow shirt on. One huge body, with a little head on it. I see myself in these images as though I am looking at another person, and I think - wow. Theres someone who needs to move around a bit more and eat a whole lot less.
And to think - I used to hike through the woods for hours on end. I was overweight then too. I look at these pics now - and I think to myself, how did I get here?
I know how I got here, I just have a hard time wrapping my head around how extreme my situation is, that I got THIS large. How does someone who crawled through swamps, kayaked, ran through woods, jumped over fallen logs and old stone walls - turn into THIS?
I didn't just abruptly stop my outdoorsy ways. They petered off over time, as it became increasingly difficult for me to do these things, because of my increasing size, and this undercurrent of denial about my size.
I look forward to the days when I can see visible differences in pictures taken of me.
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